meme | #001 -- hardest words to say ( and i'd do anything to make you stay )

[the]

HARDEST THING TO SAY MEME Sometimes the hardest things to say are also the most important. It doesn't matter how much it scares you to do so, it's finally time to be honest. - post as your character. - others go to RNG and roll numbers 1-22 then respond setting up a scenario. - respond and have fun! 01. I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE Unfortunately, you can't keep lying to your partner/friend/family anymore. You just don't feel the same for them anymore. 02. I WOULD KILL YOU The person who means so much to you has done something completely unforgivable and now it's time to make sure they know where they stand. You would kill them if you ever got the chance. 03. I LOVE YOU, BUT... A bittersweet love confession. You know you love this person more than anything, but you're not sure you can give them what they need. 04. I DON'T TRUST YOU No matter how you feel about this person, you really can't trust them anymore. 05. SACRIFICE You're going to sacrifice yourself, for the person you're talking with or for the good of all humanity. You want them to know the reasons and that there's no stopping you. 06. TROUBLE You're in trouble and you might not make it through. You need to let at least one person know how you feel before it's too late though. 07. CRIME CONFESSION You did something you weren't proud of and now it's time to admit it. 08. DEMONS We've all got our demons and we've all got our own personal nightmares we have to face, but this time? You can't hold it all back. 09. I'M PREGNANT... Now's not the best time for it maybe or maybe you're just nervous how your partner will react, but they need to hear it. 10. BETRAYAL You've betrayed this person and you have to tell them the truth, no more running from it 11. CHEATED You've been unfaithful and it's time to tell your lover. 12. BROKEN That's it. You've had it. You are entirely broken and tired of everything. 13. AFRAID Something has you deathly afraid and you need to talk about it. 14. HELP ME You need someone to help you, bad. You can't do it alone anymore, you've tried. 15. I'M SORRY You said something or did something horrible and now it's time to ask for forgiveness. 16. YOU WERE A MISTAKE Sorry, but whoever you're talking to was the biggest mistake of your life or maybe it was just something you did together. 17. NOT WHO I SAY I AM You're so far from who they think you are, you need to finally tell the truth. 18. LET'S RUN AWAY You want to just get out, leave everything behind and be with this one person for the rest of your life. 19. ASHAMED Either you're ashamed of something they have done or something you did, either way you need to bring it up. 20. CAN'T REMEMBER The person standing in front of you looks so happy to see you, so relieved, but how do you tell them you can't remember a thing about them? 21. HOW COULD YOU You don't understand how they could treat you like they have, do what they have done when you've done nothing but be good to them. 22. YOUR CHOICE Either choose an option from above, mix and match, or make up your own idea.

yep. totally stolen from memebells.
frolic with your subject lines and be free!

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[revolutionized]

[The subtle, physical indication of distance is enough to make Utena's hand fall to her side. She won't be reaching out again for a while.]

I'd like that. [The Duels loom in the back of her mind, the reminder of her promise, but she can spare some time for Mami. She wants to spend time with Mami, and that's the problem.

She follows Mami inside the apartment, and even her customary stretching has stopped for now. Every motion she makes is subdued, diminished.] How...[How have you been? she thinks to ask, but it's a question she knows the answer to already.] How have you been holding up?

[It makes sense that Mami would have heard the announcement - everyone did. And Utena wonders if she's the only one of Mami's friends who will be leaving. She imagines that would be easier, but she doubts it.]

[headedforhope]

[The silence stretches for an uncomfortable moment. Then Mami's shoulders heave in a small, tired shrug and she gestures to the living room table - an invitation for Utena to take a seat, delivered without meeting her gaze.] About as well as I always do, I suppose.

[Then she turns on her heels and ducks into the kitchen, disappearing from sight.]

[revolutionized]

[There is no response that Utena can think of, so she obeys the unspoken suggestion to sit down, resting her elbows on the table - one hand propped under her chin and the other slightly lifted, so that she would be able to study her ring under the light.

It was either this or abandoning her promise, she thinks, but the cold knowledge of this and the actual experience is altogether different. Not for the first time, Utena does not know how to fix things.]

As well as you always do, huh... [She murmurs this to herself.]

[headedforhope]

[When Mami speaks again, her voice rings hollow as it filters out from the kitchen - due to more than just the acoustics of distance and barriers.]

It'll just be a few minutes.

[There's the faint clink of china, the muted creak of a cupboard door, a soft fwoosh of flame as she clicks the stove burner on. Yet for now, Mami doesn't put the kettle on - only stares into the fire. The corners of her eyes begin to burn, as if pained by the light, but Mami knows better. The reason behind this growing urge to cry can't be ignored, shoved under the surface, dressed up in something pretty and allowed to pass for the truth.

Utena is going to leave. It will hurt - already hurts - and there's nothing Mami can do about it.]

[revolutionized]

[She has nothing to do but wait, and listen, and so she does just that, her eyes boring a hole into the low glass table.

Why had she come, she wonders. Mami is a friend, and it would be dishonest, one part of her immediately says to fill in the void the question made. But there was another reason she'd come here, wasn't there? Something important, something she needs to say before she goes.

Whenever Mami emerges from the kitchen, she'll find Utena holding her hands to her head, her expression confused and pained.]

[headedforhope]

[She pads quietly out of the kitchen, regarding her guest with a careful blankness that belies a sudden lump in her throat at the pain scrawled across Utena's face. It hides the way her chest constricts, the renewed stab of burning at the corners of her eyes.

Mami sets the tray carefully down on the table in a smooth, practiced movement, hardly making a sound and sitting in the same motion. She's silent, watching Utena, and there's a part of Mami that wants to just curl up and cry when she reaches out to touch the other girl's shoulder in a way meant to comfort. Her voice is soft, gentle, helplessly kind.]

What's wrong, Utena-san?

[Redundant as the question is, Mami can't not ask it. She could no more ignore Utena's unhappiness, in this moment, that she could choose to stop breathing.]

[revolutionized]

[Without thinking, Utena reaches to cover the hand on her shoulder with her own. It is something she'd been avoiding, this physical contact, but she can't help it.

This is the last time they'll see each other. The thought persists relentlessly; she can't escape it.]

I don't know what to do.

[It's said with a soft, pained reluctance. Her grip tightens on Mami's hand.] It was easy before I got here. Everything was easy. I didn't have to think about things...I would just fight, and win the duels, and I could keep Himemiya safe. I could spend time with Wakaba. But I wasn't happy at all. The only time I was happy there...was with Himemiya.

[She swallows, hard. Her vision swims for a moment, and she stubbornly blinks tears away.] But then I ended up here...and I met you.

[headedforhope]

[She listens. She feels an unpleasant twinge in her stomach at Anthy's name, but Mami still listens, and she doesn't pull away.]

Yes....you met me. I do hope that I managed to make you at least a little happy, during your stay here.

[And perhaps it's unkind, to say now what she plans to say, but the truth is not always kind. Sometimes it must be ugly for it to be honest. To lie to Utena in their last moments, to pretty up the inevitable reality awaiting them both, would be too insulting and painful for Mami to bear in the days following Utena's departure from the Gardens.]

But you're still going to go back, now that you can.

[Her voice is firm, with no quiet and unspoken pleadings for Utena to stay.

"Your happiness with her is more important than anything I can give you."]

[revolutionized]

You did. [It’s stated almost as a protest, in a baffled tone of voice - as if she couldn’t imagine Mami doing anything but making her happy.] I don’t...I don’t think I would’ve been happy at all here, if it wasn’t for you.

[And then she quiets down, and returns her gaze to the glass table.] Yeah...yeah, I know. I’m going to go back. [It’s a testament to her resolve that she accepts Mami’s words without protest. She had expected this, had a feeling there would be no pleading for her to stay, and in that sense, she’s matured. The realization of this makes her feel both relieved and unsettled - some part of her is grateful for Mami’s pragmatism, and the other wants her to give her a reason to stay.] But I wanted to see you before I left.

[headedforhope]

Ah, perhaps you give me too much credit....

[Mami never allowed herself to expect anything less. She merely nods, feeling a certain relief that Utena has made up her mind and that their last moments together won't devolve into a painful argument over the matter. It's a bittersweet sort of resignation; part of Mami wishes she was selfish enough to try and convince Utena not to leave. It's going to be lonely in a new, awful way when the other girl's gone.

And yet Mami can't bring herself to regret her feelings, the love and concern for Utena that give her the strength now to do the right thing.]

I'm glad you did come by. [...] I wanted to see you, too, one last time.

[She realizes an instant later that it's true, enough to hurt; Utena's absence would be so much harder to bear if she had just left without a goodbye. As though Mami wasn't worth those parting words, as though their friendship was shallow and meaningless.

Mami manages a smile, weak but genuine.]

[revolutionized]

I don't think that. [She breathes this out, taking both of Mami's hands in her own.] It's the truth. And I...I don't think I would be brave enough to go, if I hadn't seen you first.

[Her voice briefly cracks at this, goes high-pitched and wavery...but she lowers her head and collects herself. Her head lifts after a few moments, and she smiles down sadly at their clasped hands. It feels nice, this innocent physical intimacy, and Utena wishes it could last longer, that all of her troubles could compress and fade away until she was left with this, this one moment in time.]

...You know, it's strange. [It's said almost too softly to hear.]

[headedforhope]

[She decides not to protest that, or openly question it. Mami isn't an entirely selfless person - far from it, as she'll be the first to tell you. So there's a helpless and innocent pleasure in the warmth enveloping her hands, the admittance that she means enough to Utena for the other girl to think herself a coward if this visit was never initiated. Although melancholy underpins the pleasant feelings and guilt hitches an uneasy ride on the coattails of this minor happiness....it's a quiet joy that Mami will still treasure.

Her gold eyes are soft as she studies Utena. She cants her head to the side and asks, almost in a murmur:]

...Strange?

[revolutionized]

[A sad little smile. Utena keeps her steady focus on the table, but she does at least speak up. She had come here with a plan in mind...had thought of the words to say, but thinking and doing are two different things, and some of her resolve has faded in person.]

It's just that...I was always so eager to go home before. I would've never thought...thought that it would feel like this. I... [A pause; she squeezes Mami's hands.] I'm going to miss you.

[headedforhope]

[Her heart skips a beat, the sensation both pleasant and exquisitely painful, and she doesn't pull her hands away despite the small voice in the back of her head suggesting that it would ultimately be for the best.]

...I'm going to miss you, too. [she swallows a sigh.] But I'm glad that you're resolved to go, that you understand what's most important.

[Mami is not the most important. She never was. She never will be. And she's accepted it even as that truth was a bitter, bitter pill that clawed up her insides on the way down.]

[revolutionized]

I...yeah.

[The words don't seem to bring Utena any comfort. In fact, it appears to do the opposite -- her face darkens, her thoughts turn inward. Most important. Utena knows what Mami means by it...but it hurts, all the same.]

...Say, Mami? I... [She steels herself, gathers her courage.] I wanted to let you know something, before I left.

[headedforhope]

[A slow tilt of her head to the side. The gold eyes are soft with concern as they search Utena's clouded, distant expression.]

Mm? What was it?

[revolutionized]

I wanted... [Her eyes close.] I wanted you to try to forget about me.

[She opens her eyes again, to study her tea. Her vision blurs, but she persists.] I want you to find...other friends, and be happy.

[headedforhope]

I'm not going to forget about you.

[The response is immediate; Mami shakes her head in a slow, tired way that nonetheless speaks of a stubborn refusal.] I'm sure I'll make new friends, and maybe I'll be happy one day. But....no, I can't do that first thing.

[A pause, and there's a softly wounded edge to her voice when she speaks again.]

I don't want to forget the ones I care about. Even if it hurts to remember, I don't want to run away from those memories. So please, don't ask something like that of me.

[revolutionized]

[When Utena glances up again, her eyes are bright with tears. She'd expected that answer, prepared for it, but it still hurts to hear.]

But why...why? It'd be easier if you did! What's the point in remembering things that only hurt you? What's the point? All I ever do is hurt you! It'd be better if you hadn't met me at all.  I just want you to be happy, because...

[The fire in her words, the resolve...that appears to leave her. She trails off, swallows hard and angrily wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand.] 

[headedforhope]

It'd be easier? [Mami repeats that quietly, eyes narrowing a little.] ...Maybe so. But for who, Utena? Me? ...or you? [The heavy question hangs in the air for a moment or two, then Mami continues.] It's important to remember even painful memories because they make us who we are; that's what I've accepted, what I believe, even if you don't. As for everything else, well- I can draw my own conclusions, Utena-san. I don't need you to make that decision for me.

[But she doesn't openly deny everything Utena says. Why should she? It's true - or some of it is. The other girl has hurt her, in ways both big and small. Not out of deliberate cruelty, not out of conscious malice, but because her innocence and naivety has made her self-absorbed and insensitive - like a child, unable to see through anyone's eyes but their own. Mami watches Utena steadily. She buries the urge to reach out and gently touch that anguished face.]

You've been a very precious friend to me, and that's why I'm happy to have met you. I know that I'd be worse off if I hadn't.

[revolutionized]

[There's a flash of real, genuine anger and hurt at that question, and she immediately protests:] For you! Do you really think that I...

[Her gaze shifts down, and she admits, softly:] I know that...those memories are important. I know that now. But if...when I leave, I won't even remember you. [Her hand sweeps out in a quick, snapping gesture.] I won't remember any of this. Everything will slip away, just like it did before. And if another me shows up, she won't know you. Do you really want to be burdened with that?

[headedforhope]

[There's no flinching, no attempt to take her words back. Mami merely continues to gaze at Utena.]

You say that you know, that you understand, but I don't think you really do. [She closes her eyes for a moment, as if needing to call upon some deep reserve of strength and patience.] If it's a choice between that scenario and forgetting you, then I'll accept that burden. Why not? I've accepted worse before, with only the illusion of a choice.

[Those bright, intelligent gold eyes open again, and they are tired. Tired and sad, sick of this back and forth. She wasn't going to change her mind - and furthermore, she didn't want their last goodbye to be like this.] I'll remember until it's impossible, and I won't regret doing so. So please....please, stop asking to be forgotten. I won't throw away those memories, Utena-san, not for you or for anyone.

[revolutionized]

[At that, the strength appears to leave Utena. Her shoulders slump; she frowns and runs a hand through her hair, unmindful of the way she's mussed it up.]

No, I understand just fine. I don't want to forget you either...maybe that's why I'm trying to make you forget me. I just thought, after everything...

[She raises her hand, to study her ring.] This ring...this memory, it saved my life a long time ago, you know. So I feel like I owe that memory — that I owe Himemiya one last chance. That I have to fight and be brave, because...because otherwise, all I've done won't mean anything. It'll just be words. I can't run away from my memories anymore, or my feelings.

[With some effort, she brings her gaze back up to study Mami's face, to imprint her features to memory. A deep breath, and then she continues on:]

And I feel like I owe you something too, before I go....the truth. I-I wasn't being honest with you that day you told me everything by the tree. I wasn't being honest because I was afraid.

[headedforhope]

[Something briefly twitches in Mami's face at the mention of Anthy's name; her lips press together into a thin line, and she's on the verge of cutting Utena off solely to ask that she not bring up her precious Himemiya. It's a selfish thought, a selfish desire, but Mami can't help but feel angry that the last time she sees Utena will revolve, once more, around the goddamned Rose Bride. That even this one, small thing will be eclipsed by the girl, will be taken from Mami without any consideration for her own feelings.

But she quells the urge in her tired, patient way, and Utena continues to speak. Mami just watches her steadily and nods for her to continue; there's no hope in her eyes, only a glimmer of polite, yet dull interest in hearing what Utena has to say. After all, what could any of it matter? It doesn't surprise her at all, the admittance that Utena was dishonest out of fear, and no matter what the other girl had held back on that day by the tree......when it came to the here and now, she was still going to leave.]

[revolutionized]

[When faced with Mami's silence, Utena almost loses her nerve. The dilemma shows, as her emotions so often do, in the open expressions of her face, the way her blue eyes flicker away from Mami's own and shutter closed for a several long seconds.

Time ticks on, and then Utena finds her courage again. The bravery she had grabbed hold of as a child, that courageousness that had taken her through so many duels and trials. She owes Mami this, her bravery, if nothing else. Mami had been brave for her that day by the tree, she knows now. She had told her something important...something precious. Words that were meant only to be shared between the both of them.

Utena takes a deep breath, exhales, and when she looks up again, her eyes are brighter, filled with some inner resolve.] I don't think of you as just a friend. I don't...I don't really understand it all, and that's why I... [A pause.] That's why I lied. I've never really had these sorts of feelings, so I thought...

[She fiddles with her ring, bites her lip.] I thought it might go away if I tried to pretend things were the same. But it wasn't fair, was it? What I did, it was wrong. You were so brave and I ran away, like a coward. I'm sorry, for everything. For lying and...for hurting you. I just didn't know what else to do.