crypt | meme | #001 -- hardest words to say ( and i'd do anything to make you stay )

meme | #001 -- hardest words to say ( and i'd do anything to make you stay )

HARDEST THING TO SAY MEME

Sometimes the hardest things to say are also the most important. It doesn't matter how much it scares you to do so, it's finally time to be honest.

- post as your character.
- others go to RNG and roll numbers 1-22 then respond setting up a scenario.
- respond and have fun!

01. I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE Unfortunately, you can't keep lying to your partner/friend/family anymore. You just don't feel the same for them anymore.
02. I WOULD KILL YOU The person who means so much to you has done something completely unforgivable and now it's time to make sure they know where they stand. You would kill them if you ever got the chance.
03. I LOVE YOU, BUT... A bittersweet love confession. You know you love this person more than anything, but you're not sure you can give them what they need.
04. I DON'T TRUST YOU No matter how you feel about this person, you really can't trust them anymore.
05. SACRIFICE You're going to sacrifice yourself, for the person you're talking with or for the good of all humanity. You want them to know the reasons and that there's no stopping you.
06. TROUBLE You're in trouble and you might not make it through. You need to let at least one person know how you feel before it's too late though.
07. CRIME CONFESSION You did something you weren't proud of and now it's time to admit it.
08. DEMONS We've all got our demons and we've all got our own personal nightmares we have to face, but this time? You can't hold it all back.
09. I'M PREGNANT... Now's not the best time for it maybe or maybe you're just nervous how your partner will react, but they need to hear it.
10. BETRAYAL You've betrayed this person and you have to tell them the truth, no more running from it
11. CHEATED You've been unfaithful and it's time to tell your lover.
12. BROKEN That's it. You've had it. You are entirely broken and tired of everything.
13. AFRAID Something has you deathly afraid and you need to talk about it.
14. HELP ME You need someone to help you, bad. You can't do it alone anymore, you've tried.
15. I'M SORRY You said something or did something horrible and now it's time to ask for forgiveness.
16. YOU WERE A MISTAKE Sorry, but whoever you're talking to was the biggest mistake of your life or maybe it was just something you did together.
17. NOT WHO I SAY I AM You're so far from who they think you are, you need to finally tell the truth.
18. LET'S RUN AWAY You want to just get out, leave everything behind and be with this one person for the rest of your life.
19. ASHAMED Either you're ashamed of something they have done or something you did, either way you need to bring it up.
20. CAN'T REMEMBER The person standing in front of you looks so happy to see you, so relieved, but how do you tell them you can't remember a thing about them?
21. HOW COULD YOU You don't understand how they could treat you like they have, do what they have done when you've done nothing but be good to them.
22. YOUR CHOICE Either choose an option from above, mix and match, or make up your own idea.

yep. totally stolen from memebells.
frolic with your subject lines and be free!

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I...yeah.

[The words don't seem to bring Utena any comfort. In fact, it appears to do the opposite -- her face darkens, her thoughts turn inward. Most important. Utena knows what Mami means by it...but it hurts, all the same.]

...Say, Mami? I... [She steels herself, gathers her courage.] I wanted to let you know something, before I left.

[A slow tilt of her head to the side. The gold eyes are soft with concern as they search Utena's clouded, distant expression.]

Mm? What was it?

I wanted... [Her eyes close.] I wanted you to try to forget about me.

[She opens her eyes again, to study her tea. Her vision blurs, but she persists.] I want you to find...other friends, and be happy.

I'm not going to forget about you.

[The response is immediate; Mami shakes her head in a slow, tired way that nonetheless speaks of a stubborn refusal.] I'm sure I'll make new friends, and maybe I'll be happy one day. But....no, I can't do that first thing.

[A pause, and there's a softly wounded edge to her voice when she speaks again.]

I don't want to forget the ones I care about. Even if it hurts to remember, I don't want to run away from those memories. So please, don't ask something like that of me.

[When Utena glances up again, her eyes are bright with tears. She'd expected that answer, prepared for it, but it still hurts to hear.]

But why...why? It'd be easier if you did! What's the point in remembering things that only hurt you? What's the point? All I ever do is hurt you! It'd be better if you hadn't met me at all. I just want you to be happy, because...

[The fire in her words, the resolve...that appears to leave her. She trails off, swallows hard and angrily wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand.]

It'd be easier? [Mami repeats that quietly, eyes narrowing a little.] ...Maybe so. But for who, Utena? Me? ...or you? [The heavy question hangs in the air for a moment or two, then Mami continues.] It's important to remember even painful memories because they make us who we are; that's what I've accepted, what I believe, even if you don't. As for everything else, well- I can draw my own conclusions, Utena-san. I don't need you to make that decision for me.

[But she doesn't openly deny everything Utena says. Why should she? It's true - or some of it is. The other girl has hurt her, in ways both big and small. Not out of deliberate cruelty, not out of conscious malice, but because her innocence and naivety has made her self-absorbed and insensitive - like a child, unable to see through anyone's eyes but their own. Mami watches Utena steadily. She buries the urge to reach out and gently touch that anguished face.]

You've been a very precious friend to me, and that's why I'm happy to have met you. I know that I'd be worse off if I hadn't.

[There's a flash of real, genuine anger and hurt at that question, and she immediately protests:] For you! Do you really think that I...

[Her gaze shifts down, and she admits, softly:] I know that...those memories are important. I know that now. But if...when I leave, I won't even remember you. [Her hand sweeps out in a quick, snapping gesture.] I won't remember any of this. Everything will slip away, just like it did before. And if another me shows up, she won't know you. Do you really want to be burdened with that?

[There's no flinching, no attempt to take her words back. Mami merely continues to gaze at Utena.]

You say that you know, that you understand, but I don't think you really do. [She closes her eyes for a moment, as if needing to call upon some deep reserve of strength and patience.] If it's a choice between that scenario and forgetting you, then I'll accept that burden. Why not? I've accepted worse before, with only the illusion of a choice.

[Those bright, intelligent gold eyes open again, and they are tired. Tired and sad, sick of this back and forth. She wasn't going to change her mind - and furthermore, she didn't want their last goodbye to be like this.] I'll remember until it's impossible, and I won't regret doing so. So please....please, stop asking to be forgotten. I won't throw away those memories, Utena-san, not for you or for anyone.

[At that, the strength appears to leave Utena. Her shoulders slump; she frowns and runs a hand through her hair, unmindful of the way she's mussed it up.]

No, I understand just fine. I don't want to forget you either...maybe that's why I'm trying to make you forget me. I just thought, after everything...

[She raises her hand, to study her ring.] This ring...this memory, it saved my life a long time ago, you know. So I feel like I owe that memory — that I owe Himemiya one last chance. That I have to fight and be brave, because...because otherwise, all I've done won't mean anything. It'll just be words. I can't run away from my memories anymore, or my feelings.

[With some effort, she brings her gaze back up to study Mami's face, to imprint her features to memory. A deep breath, and then she continues on:]

And I feel like I owe you something too, before I go....the truth. I-I wasn't being honest with you that day you told me everything by the tree. I wasn't being honest because I was afraid.

[Something briefly twitches in Mami's face at the mention of Anthy's name; her lips press together into a thin line, and she's on the verge of cutting Utena off solely to ask that she not bring up her precious Himemiya. It's a selfish thought, a selfish desire, but Mami can't help but feel angry that the last time she sees Utena will revolve, once more, around the goddamned Rose Bride. That even this one, small thing will be eclipsed by the girl, will be taken from Mami without any consideration for her own feelings.

But she quells the urge in her tired, patient way, and Utena continues to speak. Mami just watches her steadily and nods for her to continue; there's no hope in her eyes, only a glimmer of polite, yet dull interest in hearing what Utena has to say. After all, what could any of it matter? It doesn't surprise her at all, the admittance that Utena was dishonest out of fear, and no matter what the other girl had held back on that day by the tree......when it came to the here and now, she was still going to leave.]

[When faced with Mami's silence, Utena almost loses her nerve. The dilemma shows, as her emotions so often do, in the open expressions of her face, the way her blue eyes flicker away from Mami's own and shutter closed for a several long seconds.

Time ticks on, and then Utena finds her courage again. The bravery she had grabbed hold of as a child, that courageousness that had taken her through so many duels and trials. She owes Mami this, her bravery, if nothing else. Mami had been brave for her that day by the tree, she knows now. She had told her something important...something precious. Words that were meant only to be shared between the both of them.

Utena takes a deep breath, exhales, and when she looks up again, her eyes are brighter, filled with some inner resolve.] I don't think of you as just a friend. I don't...I don't really understand it all, and that's why I... [A pause.] That's why I lied. I've never really had these sorts of feelings, so I thought...

[She fiddles with her ring, bites her lip.] I thought it might go away if I tried to pretend things were the same. But it wasn't fair, was it? What I did, it was wrong. You were so brave and I ran away, like a coward. I'm sorry, for everything. For lying and...for hurting you. I just didn't know what else to do.

[Again, Mami doesn't say anything. In part it's because she can offer no protest, and doesn't particularly want to anyway. Why should she? It's the truth: Utena had lied, had been unfair, had hurt Mami deeply when she ran away like a frightened child rather than face the reality of both Mami's feelings and her own. The acknowledgement of this manifests not in a nod, or words, but as the flat look that fills Mami's eyes now when she meets Utena's gaze.

Yes, you hurt me. You made me cry.

But then Mami also closes her eyes for a little while. She breathes out into the empty space between them, patiently allowing the sting of pain from the memory of her rejection to ebb away.]

It's all right. [And that, too, is the truth, lending a sincere if tired weight to Mami's voice. In her heart of hearts, she didn't hold that day by the tree against Utena. They had both been afraid, nervous, unsure of what to do.] I knew what to expect, back then, so...it's not like you led me on, or tricked me.

[She goes quiet for a few minutes, expression softening into something more contemplative. Her mind turns, at last, to the first thing Utena had said: I don't think of you as just a friend. Mami feels her chest constrict, the sensation both pleasant and painful. So....so, her feelings were returned, just far too late. Mami can feel something within her twist like a rag at the thought; if there was to be a chance, their chance, it didn't exist in this place. Not here, in the Gardens, but elsewhere. Another time, another world, if it could exist at all.

Could she wait for that? Could Mami hang her most heaviest of hopes on such a slim twist of fate? Or would it be for the better, if it was possible at all, to accept the thin comfort of knowing she had been loved and move on? Preoccupied with these questions, Mami doesn't notice the dim pricks of heat growing at the corners of her eyes, or the watery note creeping into her voice.]

....thank you, Utena, for telling me this. And for....and for caring about me as more than just a friend. It- it means a lot.

Edited (typoing because i can't see through my tears) 2012-10-02 02:11 (UTC)

[Utena catches the fragile note to Mami's voice, and hesitates. She isn't sure again, what to say or do to fix things, but it doesn't seem right, to leave everything like this. To go without offering any comfort, no matter how brief and fleeting the comfort might be to Mami.

After a moment of contemplative silence, Utena walks over to pull Mami into a hug. She's quiet there, for a bit, listening to the sound of the other girl's breathing, her heartbeat. Utena rests her chin on top of Mami's head, and releases a breath she didn't know she was holding.]

Oh, Mami...I'm really sorry. Please...don't be sad, okay? You have other friends here — and...and it's nice in this place. There's nothing to be afraid of anymore — or to cry over. I don't want to ruin this place for you.

[At first, Mami does nothing. Her arms are locked at her sides; she's stiff, unresponsive, as if frozen within this moment by Utena's embrace. The other girl is warm, her hug gentle and comforting in a way that Mami's longed to know since long before that day by the tree. She's wanted to claim it for her own, to not have to share it as she's had to share almost everything else. To have Utena's presence fill up her days and nights, that's what Mami most desires - not this consolation prize of a single afternoon.

And so, perhaps unsurprisingly, those words miss the mark. Mami has to swallow hard to speak when the spell breaks, and when she does, it's only to find that her composure has unraveled at the seams. Raw emotion seeps in like a stain, like a spreading bloom of blood on bandages that were once pristine and perfect.]

...How can you ask me not to be sad? You- you really think it's that easy? My friends aren't you. I- [Her hands - small, delicate, trembling - curl into Utena's sleeves. The grip is loose even as Mami presses her face into the crook of Utena's shoulders so that her tears are only heard and not seen.] I'm going to lose you, I'm going to lose the only person I've ever loved, and- and I'll probably never see you again. Nothing to cry over....ha, then why am I crying now....? It's stupid.

[Her fingers go slack, slip away from Utena's arms. Mami leans back, rubbing her eyes...] You're really dumb sometimes, you know? Almost as dumb as me. [...and then she's pushing Utena away, gently but firmly, standing up and taking a few steps away. She stares at her feet to hide the look in her eyes that she's too exhausted to bury - the look of someone crushed, inconsolable. Why? Why does everyone and everything she's ever cared about always slip through her fingers? No matter what, every time. Perhaps there's no point in having hope after all....and instead of shaking off these dark thoughts, as she's managed to do so many times before, Mami allows it to cloak her brain in a dull and stifling shadow.] Thank you for coming to see me, and for returning my feelings, but you should go. You have to revolutionize the world, remember?

[Her hands curl into anguished fists at her sides, yet her voice is strengthless now, without bite. Tired, spent, Mami can no longer summon the will to put on a brave face. Not even for Utena, not even for the sake of making the most of their last precious moments together. Things are only painful now in a new, awful ways she couldn't have predicted.]

That place....and that girl....they're waiting for you. They've been waiting this whole time, right? So you better get going.

[She turns her back on Utena, folds her arms as if it could keep the pieces of herself from falling to the ground.]

[Silence. Utena doesn't fight when Mami pulls away from her grasp; her arms go slack, her shoulders hitch and then slump. Her hand reaches to touch at the shoulder of her jacket, damp from Mami's tears, and her expression clouds.

Then she's moving, not to comfort Mami this time, because she senses...she knows it would ultimately be worthless, now. She had caused enough damage, she thought...but she does allow herself some regret, that things went this way, so quickly. That everything couldn't be simpler, that she couldn't promise things would get better for Mami. She didn't know if that was true or not, and to promise to return...it would be childish and overly idealistic; it would be cruel. Utena has no way of knowing that, not anymore.

So instead of moving to comfort, she moves away. Her head dips; she turns her back and pads toward the apartment entrance to retrieve her shoes.

She hesitates for a second later, then something in her expression seems to harden. In a voice that only wavers a little, she says:]

...Goodbye, Mami.

[The door opens, closes...and she's gone.]

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meme | #001 -- hardest words to say ( and i'd do anything to make you stay )

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quick tag before work

tab shortened the notif to "quick tag before work [cry", appropriate

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