[Focuses on his breathing, but he's still troubled.]
I don't know. Japan ah... please... listen. I am not being pessimistic, just...
[Grits his teeth and steels up his jaw. What is he saying? He can't. Saying things like this just makes it real. But does lying and pretending it will all be okay make that any more of a possibility? Usually it quells the doubt. He will keep his family alive, because he has to. Because he must. Because he refuses to accept any other outcomes. And Marco the Phoenix is strong, legendary, brought up by the best man who ever lived. Surely, he can manage that much. And yet... what of the doubts. Are they so unreal? The small voice that said they might not survive and rescue Ace. The constant worry that one day he would see his father fall and be unable to stop it, because in the end, time would take everyone away from Marco until he was alone again.]
Thank you for the faith. [But it's mumbled. One more person to keep an eye on. To always appear as strong and resilient and the only one to keep his composure even in the midst of a battle and all the sorrow of losing family for. One more person he couldn't fail. And it doesn't make him anymore at ease. He wants to run. To point out that he's not his father. He's not the world's strongest; the strongest and one of the wisest, smartest, best person to ever live. And even that person fell to Blackbeard. What does Marco have for weapons? His family whom he has to protect? If he can't get over the fear of losing them he can't protect them, and yet, that makes the fear stronger.]
[Marco clenches a fist. How can he explain it?]
If... today.... America turned and betrayed you. If he said he was going to take all your lands and that he had only been pretending to be friends so that he could learn all about you, and that he would destroy your allies or those most important to you... How would you...? That is... [He shakes his head. Not sure if he should apologize for even asking such an impossible thing, or if it isn't really relevant either. Japan believed in always staying on guard, didn't he? He didn't trust his family, he almost certainly didn't trust America even now. At least... not like nakama. Could Japan fight back against America if such a thing was tried? But Marco wasn't sure of the politics, he suspected, America could be easily played against Russia instead and then Japan wouldn't have to fight both at the same time at least.]
I will lose, Japan. I will lose. Whether it's trying to find better caretakers for Pops' islands, the only places I could call home, or seeing them slip to Blackbeard or just other chaos... I'll lose. Which losses can I call acceptable when it would mean asking which brother has to die? If I go too recklessly, I'll lose everything at once and that is even worse. What can I risk? Shanks placed a bet on the future. Even if I hold us out long enough for Ace's brother to be ready... can I really do that to him? Ask him to do what we cannot? What Pops couldn't? What Ace couldn't?
[Completely buries his head now. Admitting all this out loud.... even to himself was impossible, only to Japan was he willing to try.] I need you to know I'm not infallible. Ah... more than you know already. I can't... tell my family. Ever. Around them, I must always be the phoenix. Perfect. Unshakable. If a foe comes up, I'll kick them down, always protect them, so that they know they are safe with me. Japan has to know beyond the lie. You're... the only one I trust to see it. Because you'll survive even if I fall. So don't let me lose myself too. Because I promised to protect you too. And maybe you're the only one I really can. I'm sorry.
no subject
I don't know. Japan ah... please... listen. I am not being pessimistic, just...
[Grits his teeth and steels up his jaw. What is he saying? He can't. Saying things like this just makes it real. But does lying and pretending it will all be okay make that any more of a possibility? Usually it quells the doubt. He will keep his family alive, because he has to. Because he must. Because he refuses to accept any other outcomes. And Marco the Phoenix is strong, legendary, brought up by the best man who ever lived. Surely, he can manage that much. And yet... what of the doubts. Are they so unreal? The small voice that said they might not survive and rescue Ace. The constant worry that one day he would see his father fall and be unable to stop it, because in the end, time would take everyone away from Marco until he was alone again.]
Thank you for the faith. [But it's mumbled. One more person to keep an eye on. To always appear as strong and resilient and the only one to keep his composure even in the midst of a battle and all the sorrow of losing family for. One more person he couldn't fail. And it doesn't make him anymore at ease. He wants to run. To point out that he's not his father. He's not the world's strongest; the strongest and one of the wisest, smartest, best person to ever live. And even that person fell to Blackbeard. What does Marco have for weapons? His family whom he has to protect? If he can't get over the fear of losing them he can't protect them, and yet, that makes the fear stronger.]
[Marco clenches a fist. How can he explain it?]
If... today.... America turned and betrayed you. If he said he was going to take all your lands and that he had only been pretending to be friends so that he could learn all about you, and that he would destroy your allies or those most important to you... How would you...? That is... [He shakes his head. Not sure if he should apologize for even asking such an impossible thing, or if it isn't really relevant either. Japan believed in always staying on guard, didn't he? He didn't trust his family, he almost certainly didn't trust America even now. At least... not like nakama. Could Japan fight back against America if such a thing was tried? But Marco wasn't sure of the politics, he suspected, America could be easily played against Russia instead and then Japan wouldn't have to fight both at the same time at least.]
I will lose, Japan. I will lose. Whether it's trying to find better caretakers for Pops' islands, the only places I could call home, or seeing them slip to Blackbeard or just other chaos... I'll lose. Which losses can I call acceptable when it would mean asking which brother has to die? If I go too recklessly, I'll lose everything at once and that is even worse. What can I risk? Shanks placed a bet on the future. Even if I hold us out long enough for Ace's brother to be ready... can I really do that to him? Ask him to do what we cannot? What Pops couldn't? What Ace couldn't?
[Completely buries his head now. Admitting all this out loud.... even to himself was impossible, only to Japan was he willing to try.] I need you to know I'm not infallible. Ah... more than you know already. I can't... tell my family. Ever. Around them, I must always be the phoenix. Perfect. Unshakable. If a foe comes up, I'll kick them down, always protect them, so that they know they are safe with me. Japan has to know beyond the lie. You're... the only one I trust to see it. Because you'll survive even if I fall. So don't let me lose myself too. Because I promised to protect you too. And maybe you're the only one I really can. I'm sorry.